Our kids playing with their favorite toy: a cardboard box.
As I’ve told most of my friends who are new or soon-to-be parents (only if they ask, though): Parenting is the single greatest experience of my life. It’s also the {expletive} hardest job. I’m not sure many people talk about the first three months of being a new parent; it’s probably an evolutionary thing to not scare would-be parents from having kids! It’s an unspoken “fourth” trimester (term introduced to me from my friend, mentor, and coach, Barbara Palmer).
The first three months are a hypercharged crash course that, if you’re somehow able to be mindful during or reflective after, can provide the confidence to let you know that “you’ve got this!”
This is my attempt to help you build the confidence: “YOU’VE GOT THIS!”
Reps on reps on reps
By now, you’ve:
Pulled many (near-)all-nighters;
Changed nearly a thousand diapers;
Fed your little one about as many times;
Probably changed your little one’s diaper in random places like on your lap in a restaurant without a changing table; and
Dealt with your fair share of blowouts or spit-ups.
Flexibility
Beyond the raw count of your experiences, you’ve also cared for your son or daughter through the first cold or two, and maybe even a fever. You’ve likely had your dreams shattered when you thought, “We finally have a routine!” Only for your little one to laugh in your face as he wakes up every hour overnight, or disrupts your afternoon TV or book time when she refuses to nap at 2 p.m.
I know that I haven’t seen it all; I’ve only got about four years under my belt as a parent. Still, in speaking with parents with older kids, reading about child development, and trying to make sense of it all, I am telling myself that I got this. Why? Because I know:
Nothing really goes according to plan;
Things almost always take longer than I expect; and
I love my kids more than anything.
If I can remember that last point most of the time, combined with the knowledge that I have the strength to power through difficult circumstances (see reps above), I should be able to handle just about anything that parenthood can throw at me.
On parent guilt
One of the hardest things for me to do as a new parent was enjoy my “past” life. I felt guilty for stepping away for work, friends, or even things like working out or reading. I felt guilty for not being there for my son. I felt guilty for burdening my wife. I’m pretty sure this guilt came from a place of love (see point above about how much I love my kids). Overnight, my life changed: I cut my working hours, I said no to “getting drinks,” and did nothing unrelated to my family.
Fast forward nearly four years, and now I work between 40 and 45 hours per week, workout nearly every day, and manage to have something resembling a social life. I am definitely a better parent and partner because of this. And I think my kids and wife like me more when I have a balanced life (whatever that means).
How did I get here? I started small, doing things like going for a walk or workout during my son’s nap time. I said “yes” to more happy hours with coworkers. These small activities were gateways back to Tim time. At the same time, I made sure to encourage my wife to go out for girl’s nights, and take week-long trips. She’s encouraged me to do the same, but I honestly can’t stand being away for that long! Still, I will on occasion go on three-to-four-day long trips, work or social-related, much to her happiness (everyone needs a break from Tim).
For what it’s worth, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with drastically changing one’s life after kids; I did it, am proud of the way I did it, and wouldn’t really change anything about it. It’s impossibly hard to “figure it out.” If there’s any unsolicited advice I have to dole out, though, it’s this: the sooner you can do some fun stuff for yourself, the sooner you’ll feel “normal” again, and I bet everyone wins.
Past posts
This post wraps up the series on preparing for and surviving the fourth trimester. Here are the rest of them, in order:
Disclaimer
I’m just Tim the Dad. I’m not a medical or any sort of parenting professional. Please consult all necessary relevant professionals before taking my advice on anything!
