The Zen of Dad
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I’ve learned a lot during my first couple of years being a dad, among them, the Zen of Dad. I define the Zen of Dad as the state of calmness and acceptance being a dad. To me, being a dad isn’t a set of responsibilities, it isn’t a set of tasks. Instead, being a dad just is. I’m not a dad because I change diapers; I change diapers because I am a dad.
Natural and deliberate awareness
One facet of the Zen of Dad is the natural awareness that occurs during the mindful, parenting moments. It’s when I’m truly in the moment, nothing else preoccupies my mind. Some simple examples:
Watching my my son laugh; there’s literally nothing on my mind as I experience the pure joy of either watching or laughing with him
The experience of watching him take his first step, or say his first word, or do anything that seems to give him intrinsic validation
The weird flow-state achieved when holding an infant to sleep, when, suddenly, it’s been three hours, and I haven’t gotten up to pee, drink water, or anything, because I’m completely at peace holding my newborn daughter
These moments can punctuate daily routines, or even high-stress moments like seeing the ever growing mountain of laundry that I need to fold. These moments can help me get out of the rat race. These moments can help me get off what I call the “train to crazy town,” which is the state of mind when I allow negative thoughts run unabated and compound.
The practice and process, then, is deliberate awareness. Instead of the naturally occurring mindful moments, deliberate awareness is the purposeful attention to moments. Some examples:
Sometimes when reading with my son, I find my mind wandering. To focus, I’ll close my eyes, take a deep breath, and on the exhale I’ll remind myself of what I’m supposed to be doing and why I love doing it.
Just before my son wakes up, I articulate my intentions to myself before I get him: I’m done doing whatever it was that I was just doing, and now it’s time to dad.
I have to create the conditions that allow the mindset for the Zen of Dad. There are at least a couple of ways to get started, including Making Space for Happiness and Taking Back Your Time by turning off phone notifications.
A complement to mindfulness
I like to meditate. In some ways, becoming a parent made mindfulness meditation and mindfulness in life easier for me. Moments of natural awareness have shown me what’s possible with my mind, and that’s what I’m after when I’m meditating. To me, mindfulness is not the practice of not thinking. Instead, it’s the practice of letting an experience happen, without judgment. Becoming a dad has shown me what it means to be in the moment, totally mindful of experience.
Loosening up
In addition to the examples I’ve given above, I’ve discovered many other practical upsides of becoming more mindful, like knowing when to get mad, and how to understand my emotions. Some things that used to (okay, still do…) get me mad or concerned: son says he wants beans, then I give him more beans, then he proceeds to throw every bean onto the floor; asking son to put on pants, and then he flings said pants, knocking over cup of water in the process; or worrying about every decision I make about my children’s future.
Sometimes, all it takes is a moment of pause to get out of my own way. And when I do that, I can decide whether to keep being emotional, or start to solve whatever problem got me here in the first place. It doesn’t work all of the time, though. Because sometimes, being a dad means working through those tantrums together.
Disclaimer
I’m just Tim the Dad. I’m not a medical, psychological, or parenting professional. Please consult all necessary relevant professionals before taking my advice on anything!
